User blog:DB Baxter/A Moment of Realization and Clarification

Hey there. It's me, Daedra

So (If you've seen my post Daedra's Last Dance, then you can skip ahead to the next paragraph. If not, then continue reading.), I've been troubled for almost 2 years now with the feeling that I've been left out of everything and shoved to the side, simply because everything I wrote or said just wasn't good enough. No matter how hard I tried, or how long I thought, I could never be good enough. It'd always be subpar, inadequate, etc.

Now, I've talked with a lot of people here. Some I've talked with way too many times and have honestly gotten fed up with my constant meltdowns and episodes of depression. They've all given me extremely helpful advice and helped me with this problem (I won't give names, but these people know who they are, so I thank you). And now, the question I need to answer is if I still feel that weight of being alone and ignored because everything I do or say isn't up to par. And the answer?

Yes.

Now before you shake your heads and roll your eyes in frustration, here me out. I have learned that I've been approaching this problem from the wrong angle with all the wrong solutions. Before I go on, I want to talk about Da Vinci. We all look at this man as one of the most brilliant men of the Italian Renaissance. This man's inventions and artworks completely revolutionized the field of art. However, he never felt the same. He, too, thought everything he produced was always worthless and flat-out awful. In fact, his last words were "I have offended God and Mankind because my work didn't reach the quality it should have". The man who was arguably the most brilliant artist to have ever held a brush said on his deathbed that his work was never good enough, and it offended all of mankind.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not comparing some poor sod on an RP wiki to Leonardo Da Vinci. However, this sad little tale made me finally realize something; the problem isn’t that I’m not good enough.

For those who also weren’t here for this bit of news, I was diagnosed with chronic depression only a few weeks ago. That’s something you just can’t get rid of in the blink of an eye. Depression isn’t a “sleep on it, feel better in the morning,” type of deal. You can rid yourself of it for a short while, but it almost always comes back. Always.

Now, I realize that the problem isn’t that I’m left out. The problem isn’t that my work is painstakingly awful. The problem isn’t that I need to do better to avoid this feeling of loneliness and misery. The problem is simply coping with it.

I’m not going to be able to ever completely lose that feeling of worthlessness and loneliness. Unfortunately, it’s probably going to haunt me until the day I die. I just have to learn now how to live with it. And I promise you, rageful outburst and axiety-filled meltdowns are not in that plan of living with it.

This will most likely be the last time I ever touch up on this subject here, so I leave you with this; Thanks for all of your help and support (again, you know who you are). Now, I find my own way of living with this.

-Thanks

D.B.