Board Thread:Roleplaying/@comment-24736819-20141208164428/@comment-5583506-20150114024849

She slept well that night, but she awoke a couple of times, having awkward dreams about Ra'Danji and her. Some of the dreams included elements of which she had never really experienced before in her entire life.

She dreamt of how she walked around in robes made out of the finest and softest fabrics. She was carrying a weapon, a sword shimmering as bright as a crystal in the dark. The area surrounding her was that of a majestic building in stone with pillars reaching as far as the eye could see, and courtyards and gardens in which she could find tranquility and inner peace.

She woke up as she felt that something was with her in the room. A presence of some sort.

"Hello?" she called out in her room.

No response. She adjusted her linen and tried to fall asleep again. It didn't work however. Something was with her in that room. She could feel it. Something... or someone was watching her.

She pulled her sheet over her head and closed her eyes as hard as she could. She didn't really know why she was afraid, since she knew that there was only her in the entire room. Or that's what she told herself at least.

She calmed down when she could feel a gentle hand stroke her cheek. "Ra'Danji?" she mumbled still under heavy influence of her sleep.

"You look weary, my child", said a voice from within the room, however it was not Ra'Danji's voice.

She froze up and shot open her eyes, sitting up in the bed. She trembled. She could still feel the warmth of the hand that had touched her.

"Who... who's there?!" she asked. "Show yourself."

"As you wish", said a disembodied voice.

A vague blue shimmer appeared in the room and projected the shape of an old Khajiit with the most warming smile she had ever seen, yet also the saddest.

She didn't move a muscle. She was too afraid. She recognised the man from somewhere, but she couldn't remember from where.

"Here I am", said the man.

"Wh-who are you?"

The Khajiit looked even more sadder than before. "I am vexed by the fact that you don't recognise your own Master, child. Was it really so long ago since last we met?"

"I... I don't know you!" she shuddered. "Begone!"

She threw one of her pillows against the old Khajiit, but when it went straight through him as if he had been made out of air she exclaimed a vague whimper.

"Are you a ghost?" she asked carefully.

"Maybe I am?" shrugged the old man. "What defines a ghost anyhow? Is it a soul lingering on, having been bereft of its life at a young age? Is it a restless spirit who didn't receive a peaceful passing? Is it an apparition with an important task or message that was never really performed or delivered? I am what you see before you. I died at an old age, not young. I died peacefully, not in pain. However I died without getting to say what I wanted to say. So maybe I am a ghost, maybe I am not. It matters little."

"What... what do you want from me?"

As the shimmering Khajiit approached her she backed away until he placed a comforting hand on hers. "You really don't remember, Kashmira? That foolish attempt on your own life for a second time might have gotten to you worse than I thought."

As soon as he said her name it all suddenly came back to her in a flash. All her memories; the good ones, the bad ones... but mostly the bad ones.

She took away her hand from his all of a sudden. "Of course I remember... Master... Ran'Jinro..." She reached for her mouth as a tear fell from her eye. "I killed you!"

He shook his head. "I had been dead for a long time, my poor child. I had been marked by death for almost a decade. You simply cut short my suffering, and for that I thank you, even though I know it wasn't your will."

She wanted to embrace the old cat, but refrained from doing so as she knew she would simply pass right through him. "Wh-why are you here?"

"To make you atone, child."

She swallowed. "How?"

"By returning to the Sanctum. Repent for what you did by accepting your punishment."

She shook her head desperately and backed away in fear. "I... I can't do that! They... they will kill me! As I... killed... Oh, Gods!" She started sobbing again. "I am so sorry! What do I do?! I can't undo all the death I brought upon our home!"

She didn't recall if she had ever acknowlegded the Sanctum as her home before.

"I brought destruction to the Jun. I have... I have destroyed EVERYTHING!" She buried her face in her hands and cried miserably. "I AM SO SORRY! SO SORRY FOR EVERYTHING!"

As she kept weeping she could feel the warmth of the old cat's hand on her shoulder. She looked at him trough her tears to notice that he had seated himself on the side of the bed.

"Then it is as I expected", he said. "It was all an act of a lost child. A child filled with caged rage and disappointments."

"I can't go back", she blubbered. "I can't return there and see all the damage I have caused. All the people I killed. If I do... they will have my head! And I want to live! Live like those Apprentices wanted right before I stuck my sword through them!" She wiped her tears with her metal hand. "I should have just let Kyrie kill me there on the spot."

"No", said Ran'Jinro. "Your death wouldn't bring any justice. Killing is not what the Jun, what the way of the Light is about, my child. And those who say otherwise clearly walks a path of dusk and shade. Return to the Sanctum, my child. Help them rebuild. Only healing can close old wounds."

She still shook her head. "I... can't."

"Why not?"

"I am afraid. Afraid of dying..."

The old cat raised an eyebrow. "You have made attempts on your own life twice already, my poor child, and yet you still fear death?"

"Pathetic", she spat. "I was... pathetic... I didn't know what life was all about then. All I knew about life was that it was full of pain and hatred, and it just wanted me to push everyone else away. I felt it as if I was being smothered, that I was being slowly killed by everyone around me for being who I was. I felt it as if I was never meant to be. That I was a mistake, a plaything the Gods had placed in this world for all the other children to abuse whenever they felt sad, angry or upset, but cared little of how the toy felt."

She made a small pause. "To me life was all about being pushed around, yet I persisted", she shrugged. "Since I believed that that was my fate; to be bullied as if I was nothing, I thought to myself: 'If the Gods just expect me to be quiet and take it, I am going to show them that this plaything has feelings as well, just like the other kids. And that I refuse to accept my fate as being nothing else than this tainted, broken, little toy,'

I pushed everyone away from me. I fought back. Whenever people talked shit behind my back, I delivered something just as equally bad in return. Whenever I heard how people said that they would like to teach me a lesson or two, I never held back for a single moment against them during training in the courtyard. I thought that the only shield against their cruel scheme was to accept their mockery and become the toy they wanted, but not a one they could break. That way it could never be used to hurt me. But hurt it did nonetheless..."

"Tell me then, child", said Ran'Jinro, saddened to hear her inner reflections. "What is it that life is all about then?"

"Him", she replied and her eyes glimmered as she said it.

"Him?"

"Ra'Danji."

"That man whom you are staying with?"

She nodded.

Ran'Jinro seemed pleased. "Then perhaps you are not truly lost after all, my child. Your heart seems to have guided you in the direction of love and comfort. Does he treat you well?"

"Yes", she said. "I love him. And that's why I can't return to the Sanctum. For his sake. I  have to understand what life is all about now. I am afraid of death now, because if I die I will lose him."

"And yet you seem to have come to grip with what you have done. These memories will haunt you for the rest of your life and that is perhaps the worst punishment of all. But know that if you truly want to be happy, my dear, there is no other choice but to return to the Sanctum and stand trial for your crimes."

She lowered her head. "Even... even if they don't kill me... I will never be able to see Ra'Danji again. Tell me, does that serve me right? Will justice have been done? The Masters will chain me up in some dungeon somewhere, feed me breed and water until my dying breath while my beloved Ra'Danji finds someone else to love? Is that justice? Do I deserve that? Was I actually cursed the very moment I was born?"

Ran'Jinro remained silent. "You... you were born amidst Light and Darkness, they say. Your mother was a true champion of the Jun while your father's loyalties were originally true to the Vul. They passed down both their traits to you, my child. Light and Darkness dwells within your soul, but only you can choose which of those paths to tread. There is no curse over you, Kashmira, nor are there any Gods deciding over you. You made this path for yourself. Sure there were obstacles in your way, but you acted and handled them in the way you saw fit by listening to your inner sides; those of Light and Darkness. Sadly the path of Darkness drove you to commit the crimes at the Sanctum, but now... the path of Light has begun to emerge once again to show you the way."

She snickered and wiped her last tear away. "You were always wise. And you always talked. Sometimes I just wanted to cover my ears because you never stopped talking. But I listened... Now I only wished that I had listened to you some more... But I am still afraid, Ran'Jinro... I can't go back... Not even if they would settle with a lifetime of imprisonment... I couldn't bear the thought to part from Ra'Danji. And now I... I fear that I will have to take up training again..."

"Why is that?"

"If... if they send someone after me... I... I have to defend myself! I refuse to let them kill me now when I am finally happy."

Ran'Jinro sighed. "I guess I expected no less from you, Kashmira. Even if you are strong enough to admit your faults and flaws, you have never been strong enough to face them directly. I can only hope that you in time will make the right choice. Otherwise..."

"Otherwise what?"

"There is an alternative path you could tread."

She leaned closer to him. "What... what path is that?"

"The same path your father took", replied Ran'Jinro.

"But... I... I barely got to learn anything about the Vul while I was Zen's Apprentice. How could I ever become an informant in order to spare my own life?!"

Ran'Jinro chuckled. "Do you actually think that the Jun allowed Rashka the Betrayer to live because he became an informant? No, my dear. Rashka survived because he chose to walk a path of Light. He walked your path."

"My path?"

He nodded. "The path of Kashmira, his daughter."

She was confused. "I don't know what you mean?"

For one time in his life, or unlife, Ran'Jinro smiled slyly. It was so unusual she didn't know whether she would laugh or be afraid of what he was thinking in that moment. "Oh, you will know what I mean when the time comes, my child. Should the moment come when you are deep in hesitation and despair remember this: that when all the other paths back to the Light have gone dark, this one will shine more brighter than any of the other ever did."

How she hated his riddles. But hearing them from him even in his afterlife, made her more happier than she had ever been before.

"Someone's coming", said Ran'Jinro and smiled at her. "I must go."

"Wait!" exclaimed Kashmira. "Where are you going?"

"Oh, don't worry, my child. I will be around. For as long as you need me."

As the Khajiit faded away, she could see her bedroom door open in the distance and Ra'Danji came in. "I could have sworn that heard you talking to someone for the past few minutes", he said. "Either that or you are mumbling awfully loud in your sleep." He then noticed her reddened eyes. "Have you been crying? What's the matter?"

"Ra'Danji", she said. "Sit down. There are... some things I need to... tell you..."