User blog:DB Baxter/Everything.

Hey.

Now, before you roll your eyes, let me explain; This isn’t a meltdown or a vent of any kind. This is a delivering of an explanation and a review of everything that has transpired over the last couple of months. It’s the least I could do after everything. So, I’m just here to clarify and review. And as the title says, Everything will be covered.

Let's Begin.

RP Failures, and the RoC Catastrophe (The Past)
Picture a project that you spent an insane amount of time and effort into, and your feeling really good about it the day it was due. You lay it on the teachers table, and think on how much work and creativity you poured into that one piece. All you can think about is the A+ payoff and how good it will feel to pass. And then, you get it back later, and you got an F. That’s what leaving RoC felt like.

A little history, before I go on. As some of you are aware, I’ve been on the RPing boards for two and a half years, and have consequently put down numerous characters and story arcs. And for two and a half years, they’ve all failed. I’ve never finished an RP in my life. I’ve created a total of 39 characters and joined about 22 RP’s, and also created about 5. None of them have finished or found a true ending. I’m 0-27. That’s a 0% success rate.

Now, throughout the years, there were four characters that I continuously tweaked upon until I felt like they were the best I could possibly muster up. Those 4 were Vordel, Kazrris, Denon, and Utahsi, and I put them into RoC because I felt like it was finally going to be a success. I had my best characters, with 2 years of work put into them, on the grandest stage in the Wiki.

But that’s not how it played out.

I can only place the blame on myself for what happened here. The catastrophe was mostly the doing of an insecure mind believing that everything was out to get him. And yes, many of the episodes occurred partly due to me being unable to accept something bad happening to a character. And, looking back, I seemed quite unreasonable and easily irritated. It was also the fact that despite all the work I had put into them, the stories were still rushed, the arcs still boring, and the characters themselves either too dull for notice (Utahsi and Denon) or too irritating and loud to be liked (Vordel and Kaz.). The worst offense yet was how I practically whined and forced people to do to my subplots and shoved aside better sideplots.

And to look back and see the hideous display I had on RoC fills me with an extreme amount of regret and misery every time I even begin to think on it. So much potential, so many ideas and stories, so many sideplots and plans. All of it fell down due to petty insecurities. And now, those 4 I worked two years on are gone. Their official LoN canon, and might I add a nasty stain on the lore (And yes, I am putting it over Rolly’s torture scenes. At least it didn’t perform a mass murder of sidestories and plots.). And there will be no redemption for them, as death won’t allow. But that’s not what stings the most.

What is the worst, is how this was my peak. Those four were the best my writing and thinking abilities could create, and yet they still fell flat. I want to think that I am a good writer and a good story teller, and when I put almost everything I had into those 4 and had it all fall down, my thoughts have shifted. I’m almost, 100% sure, without any doubt, that I am the worst RPer on this Wiki.

Don’t mistake this as a fit of depression or a plea to come back. I’m not depressed or having another tantrum. But I have come to realize the truth behind my skills and attitude in the fact that they are both awful. And I’m not coming back to RoC, as it will probably function better without my presence. And finally, do not think I’m quitting. I will continue to RP here and try to rebuild and regroup. Though, my hopes are not too high. At the peak of my writing, I should have been able to finish out RoC and find an ending I could be proud of. But instead, my peak was a cold and empty 0-28 and watching two years of work burn. Whatever comes next does not look bright.

Coping and Apologies (The Present)
I know a lot of people on here are mad at me for not listening to the help they have provided for me and mad because I’m throwing my problems onto others and ruining the fun and not even trying to cope and so on and so forth. And up until a week or so ago, I was oblivious to that. But now, not so much

I believe that everyone should know that I am taking the first few steps to coping and learning to live with depression and anxiety. I’ve recently began getting out more with friends and family, trying to talk and actually accept the help from them. I’ve also started a 3 month training program up at a local gym (Which has, as expected, gone absolutely dreadful so far). All in all, I’m taking the first steps, and I hope it leads to something better.

Still, it doesn’t excuse me from all the shit I’ve thrown at the wiki for the past few months. After my most recent RoC exit, someone told me what was said on the chat after I left. None of it was pretty, and none of it will be repeated here. Though the initial discovery hurt a great deal, it did give me some closure to people’s thoughts and opinions. That is to say that it eased my mind to know what people were saying. But still, there are absolutely no words to describe how sorry and regretful I feel about my actions on the chat and actions on the rp’s. It was highly immature and it ruined a lot of the fun and cheerfulness on the chat. It also forced other people to have a similar stress and anxiety on their shoulders, and I’m also extremely sorry for that. And finally, I apologize for all the unnecessary vents and all of the depression episodes.

 Now, I don’t expect forgiveness, because months of this nonsense and fun-ruining is unforgivable. In fact, I don’t even think this blog post will make very many people happy. I’m anticipating a large wave of backlash, but I just  need to get all of this off of my chest and tell you guys that I am sorry and I’m making progress.

Moving On and Special Thanks (The Future)
I’ve covered the past and the present, so I feel I should cover the future. As I’ve stated above, I will continue to RP here and create more stories for you guys. However, I’m not expecting any of them to reach the height that I reached with those four. And, I will also be trying to move on from these last few months and put it all behind me. Turn a new page and simply think that whatever happened in the last few months did not happen. However, before I do, I’m going to address a few people one on one real quick.

<p class="MsoNormal">Eilonwyn: Emma, there is absolutely no way that I will ever be able to return the favor that you’ve done to me. After all of these months of constant meltdowns, you’ve stuck with me through everything. And for that, you have my most sincerest thank you. You’re the nicest person I’ve ever known, and I will try to be there for you if you ever need me. It’s the least I could do.

<p class="MsoNormal">Lazarus Grimm: You’re one of the best writers and RPers on this site. I know sometimes you feel left out and sometimes pushed aside, but I can tell you from watching these RP’s play out that you might very well be the best of any of us. I admire you for having something that I probably never have, and that’s a creative mind that knows how to deliver a fantastic story. You’ve got a gift, Laz. And I look forward to TA. Thanks for being there.

<p class="MsoNormal">Apollo42: You’re one of the most clever and brightest people I’ve talked with, and you’re also one of the most compassionate. You’ve managed stress and life rather well, and I’m honestly kinda jealous of how your future is almost certain for success. I wish you luck in your studies.

<p class="MsoNormal">Skyrims Shillelagh: I’ve got a lot of respect for you, Shills. You’re tough and smart and you don’t let shit bother you. It’s something that I’ll probably never be able to do. I’ve known you longer than anyone else in this wiki, and thanks for being a good friend and being honest with me.

<p class="MsoNormal">Psychomantis108: We don’t talk all that much, but I must admit that I do admire how you always manage to keep your cool in every situation and you’re honestly the best GM that I’ve seen manage an RP. And I thank you as well for being a great part of the wiki and being there for me.

<p class="MsoNormal">XDragon…SpawnX: You remind me a lot of myself when I first started with RP’s. And I want you to know that you are vastly underestimating yourself. It’s your first few RP’s, and you’re learning. Don’t try to do everything at once, and don’t just throw characters in and expect them to be immediately loved or popular. Give it time, and let them develop, alright? I don’t wanna see you turn out like me and having to apologize and abandon RP’s. You’ve got potential, and I don’t want to see you waste it.

<p class="MsoNormal">Sithfanjedi: #Sithforwikiemotionalsupport2k16. You’re a great guy and you’ve got a good heart in you. When something bad happens, you’re usually the first one to jump in and help, and for that you have my respect. Hopefully your more free in the future, because the wiki could use people like you.

<p class="MsoNormal">Well, thanks for reading. Have a wonderful day and a wonderful life.

<p class="MsoNormal">-DB